The dreams my father had for me…

My father…what can I write about him. One of the most complicated but also the most genuine and honest man I have ever seen. Eldest of 6 siblings, he was a total rebel right from the start. And I am my father’s daughter in every sense. I have always been rebellious and have found it difficult to confine myself to the suffocation of rules, especially the ones whose reasons for existence couldn’t be explained by anyone, least of all the makers themselves. My father always inspired a resolve to challenge the norms and to never accept things just because they are supposed to be that way.

My father raised me and treated me like a boy. Not because he wanted one and had two daughters instead but because he wanted me to be the rough & tough kind, who could brave any storm. He taught me how to box since he was a professional boxer himself. He helped me develop the strength and wanted to make sure that when and if such a time comes, I not only defend myself but also knock down the one on the wrong sideJ

I learnt to play chess with him. Though, I could never beat him in this game it taught me to be patient, make my move only when I was ready and taught me the skills of anticipating an opponent’s move. Basically, it shaped my thinking and helped me to become a strategist of sorts.

He was an ardent reader. He had this huge collection of books…all classics…Though our house was small and the books took a lot of space but my father never gave away even one. He was the reason I took to reading at a very young age. But it was only when I started college that I was given access to the treasure that he had collected over the years. To this date, the treasure is safe with me. Sometimes when I miss him a lot, I just open one of the books and read it and I can sense his presence in those books.

It appeared in the conventional sense that my father had been a tad unsuccessful in most of his endeavors. But he didn’t fail in his honesty to himself and the fact that he never blamed ‘someone’ or the ‘system’ for his failures. He took full responsibility for his actions and for the outcome. This in itself was an inspiration for me...

I remember once having this conversation with him when I told him that he needs to find his zeal back and fight even harder. He just smiled and said that “You will make it big in life and then I will know I have succeeded”.

Like my father, I went through an intense struggle as a young lady, trying to find my foot in the door, defining who or what I am and where is that I want to be. The one promise that my father took from me was, ‘Make sure where I failed, you will succeed, and succeed calmly, strategically, using the panache and persuasiveness that I have taught you and on your own merit’.

So with that promise in my heart, I set sail on my journey. But even before I could start, I lost my father. A sudden illness and he left us. A big void was left in my heart. I couldn’t even get enough time to mourn his loss because I had to look after my family, I had to suddenly become “him” and I wasn’t ready yet.

The strength however came from the fact that maybe he went away knowing very well that he had instilled in me the necessary will and confidence to shape up my life in ways that he wanted me. From there on, my father’s failed attempt to set things right became my life’s objective. My father’s dreams forged my dreams, and through a kind of sacramental experience after his death, my father’s struggle became my inheritance…

All through my life I have carried a single image of my father, one that I had sometimes rebelled against but had never questioned, one that I now try and take as my own. An image of uncompromising honesty and the will to rise above the occasion with your head held high. In all of the ups and downs, that image has always helped me stay afloat and reach the shore.

So here I am, almost a decade after his passing hoping that I have proven every bit a daughter to my father and hoping that I have fulfilled every dream that he had for me. So dad, wherever you are and I know you are watching me…I hope you are as proud of me as I am proud to be your daughter. You taught me how to have the courage to keep standing tall no matter what…Your life and the way you lived it has been and will continue to be my beacon. It’s only because of you that I am what I am. And no matter how far I go in life and how successful I get, I will always be my father’s daughter!!!