A lot of my married male friends often tell me that there is no such thing as a “perfect marriage” or a “perfect couple”. After a few years all marriages become a routine - an adjustment of sorts. Most of my female friends though actually believe that they have a perfect marriage. At least that’s what they brag about.
I am sure, enough has already been written about this topic and I don’t want to add to the questions. In my humble way, I will try to attempt to unravel this mystery.
In the early days it was simple. You got married, had kids, worked the land, and stayed married whether you could stand each other or not. Our parents were taught by their parents to stick it-there was no other way. This was passed down through the generations. I grew up thinking that marriage is for keeps. But all around me, I now see how this concept of permanency in marriage is diminishing. I think husbands and wives are now more independent of each other. The dependency levels are going down and consequently so are the levels of patience and commitment.
Marriage obviously requires 100% commitment. But that doesn’t mean that both partners need to give 50% all the time. Sometimes the ratio may change and be 30-70 or 60-40. It doesn’t really matter who gives how much, as long as it still accounts for 100%. If you start questioning how much each is contributing, you are surely heading for disaster. It is not a contest, it is a relationship. This basic fact seems to remain unnoticed by most modern couples.
The problem arises when you start guessing what the other thinks or will say or react in a particular situation because you know them so well. That’s where you go wrong. You start assuming and your reactions are often based on these assumptions. You do start to know your spouse to a great extent, but with individual expression becoming the norm, it is futile to try and second guess each others’ thoughts. It will only emphasize a feeling of being taken for granted, which in any case can spell the death knell for any relationship.
Most of the love marriages start of as friendships and then turn romantic and then marriage is the next gradual step. In all this process, most couples stop being friends to one another. The so called bedrock of friendship that laid the foundation to their relationship goes missing. So, your hubby wants to spend the night with his buddies watching a game of football or cricket. Why can’t the wives give that freedom to their hubbies? Didn’t they do this in early days when you were friends?
Often I have seen hubbies ridicule their wives behind their backs among friends. They obviously think this is funny and it’s ok to do so. But is this really “cool”? Isn’t it better to actually discuss what troubles you have with each other, than bicker behind the scenes and let the resentment build?
Marriage, like any other aspect of human existence, also goes through phases. The key is to identify the phase and then change to adjust to that phase. If you expect things to always remain the same, you will be severely disappointed, often irreparably so.
Obviously there is no magic mantra on a successful perfect marriage. But it may help to keep in mind some salient issues. A marriage is not a job and it doesn’t come with set of instructions or a menu card. But there is definitely some amount of assembly that is required. With the high level of stress and the fight for getting the necessary time & space, a modern-day marriage can be as tough as getting a vehicle assembled. You need precision and teamwork, in this case a team of two. A tried and tested formula is to look for reasons to do things together. Pick up a sport that you both enjoy and play together. Wash the car together, or do housework together-anything that both enjoy doing, or learn to enjoy together. Also, talk to each other, it is as simple. Just say what is in your mind and fight over it if need be, but communicate, for heaven’s sake.
In most relationships, the failure is often the collapse of the communication bridge. We just stop talking and listening. The conversations become less about each other and more about the kids and rest of the stuff. Other things are important but you can’t lose yourself on the way.
Even though you know it and have said it a thousand times, never stop saying "I love you". Keep the romance alive - send flowers sometimes (not just on birthdays and anniversaries) just to let them know you are important. Call them during the day, take your spouse for dinner (just the 2 of you), take short romantic holidays (minus the kids). And don’t think this is only for the young couples, or the newly married ones. The older the marriage, the more work is requiredJ
Another golden rule - never sleep over a fight. If you have an argument, just make sure you resolve it before going to bed. Even a small argument if not resolved in time can lead to major disaster. Kiss and make upJJ
To sum it all up, marriage like every other relationship will never be perfect on its own. It needs a lot of hard work, dedication and above all, patience. In words of George Washington, “Consider marriage as the most interesting event of one's life, the foundation of happiness or misery”. The choice of happiness or misery is our own!!!
